Atlas (finished)
You know, it’s ironic that I feel like there’s so much pressure on me, but in truth I have nothing I have to do. As I was saying earlier, the fact that I don’t have anything to complain about frustrates me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being a big brat; life is good, but I don’t care about it? Illogical! I keep fluttering between “I don’t have depression, I don’t need counseling” and “What the fuck is wrong with me?” It’s when I stand still that I want to be active, but when I move, I’m tired. Not physically (though, fuck, I’m sure out of shape), but just motivationally.
I feel like Willy Loman— Always planning, never acting. For some reason, that theme in “A Death of a Salesman” has become a note in my mind. Okay, here’s the thing: If I wanted to be happier, I could saddle up and work all the time. I could get a job, work out, study relentlessly, and do random acts of samaritan kindness. Yeah, I’d have no free time, but that’s the point. I could, at the end of the day, justifiably sit back for a few moments and say, “I’m tired.” I’m sick of being tired without having done anything. I want to feel useful. But my conundrum is that I’m lazy and apprehensive to start things. Why would working so much make me happy, you ask? (what, someone’s reading this?)
There’s a saying that is along the lines of “idle hands are the Devil’s playthings.” I’m not into turn-of-phrases, but this one is applicable here. While I’m not saying that being bored fosters bad behavior, I am saying that it gives your mind time to think. And thinking’s good, right? Not always. I don’t understand people who, when they do have time to space out, continue to think about nothing but what’s happening in their lives or what they saw on television. Doesn’t anyone ever ponder the unanswerable, consider social customs, something? I’m not putting myself on a pedestal here, but I always hate it when people say stuff like, “people just don’t think about more philosophical matters anymore, it’s all trivial.” I do! Philosophical thinking doesn’t have to be scholar-grade, it could just be rooting around in your mind, trying to sort out something as huge as how the afterlife works (for example) with the limited information you have! But it is in this, also, that while we are stretching our minds in more positive ways, that we are susceptible to darker topics. Death, mortality, immobility, morality, personal frustrations. We need something to bring us back to the surface every so often before we plunge into the abyssmal depths of our negativity. That’s why being busy is a God send for people— It dulls us to a routine. We’re too busy with tasks to consider grim topics. I stand behind the idea that the happiest examples of mankind are the ones living just above survival. The ones who live in agricultural or hunting communities, where their accomplishments satisfy the bottom of Maslo’s hierarchy of needs. And yet another flaw: Do we want to be happy? If happiness is only achieved
-edit-
through the continual grinding of the depressing prongs growing out from our minds, what does that mean? Dulling, numbing…
Numbing? Are busy people numb to themselves? And is this numbing an insult to our intelligence?
I’ve heard that Plato and other philosophers (Socrates, Aristotle, Bill Cosby [the messiah incarnate]) were paid to do nothing. Literally. They were paid so they could afford to not have a job and spend their free time thinking. We regard these lazy people as geniuses. Provided, I believe they were scholars in actual fields besides abstract thought, but still, they are known for being some of the closest to reaching the epiphany of wisdom.
And yet, whenver people are left without priorities for an extent of time, they become hermits and utterly depressed. So the question is:
Blissful ignorance or debilitating apathy?
