Mon
Feb
16
Woll Smoth has a dinner party
- Between my brother and I this afternoon while we were insanely bored at our dad's and resorted to texting each other from across the room:
- Me: "I want a Crunch bar
- Or Kit Kats
- Some lobstah shuggemup
- MOHZZERELLAHS SHIGGEMUPEMS.
- Dem ohwls dey gos da hoots hoots"
- Ian: (After trying to convince my father to get cable) "He aint listened tos a gos daineded word i talked."
- Me: "I rights hea yas ondays boy tellya wuts"
- Ian: "Ya hear?"
- Me: "Heydiddluho neyborh feels lik um wurrin nothin at ahl
- Woll smoth
- Woll smoth in Hancook"
- Ian: "Dad ghn and damnedit blowith his stockspile inta kristans underblowsith"
- Me: "Elohrells
- Ah sel prohpahn un prohahm cessorees
- Dasdahway yah liks it
- Nas boysa nigra
- Nigras tuk ur jahbs"
- Ian: "Hees no clue we mouthet inbiut his dug fukchitj exgoose fors a hife"
- Me: "Dem n dur furmitiv axuons"
- Ian: "????????"
- Me: "Elohrellwut
- Is like a goose bud isa excyoos"
- Ian: "Hes got no clue were bad mouthin them"
- Me: "Elohrell
- Diggiuggnfergumall
- Donchabakassinmeshussemup"
- Ian: "Is like diggiuggnergumall but mores literate"
- Me: "DAssa rite funcy werd thur wif fem litirate
- Nao skeetur he aint hertin nosbody
- Souf parks"
- (At this point, my dad asks us which of us wants to cook dinner)
- Me: "Cookyer owhn dinurr songbitches"
- Ian: "rats uh tivity of duh day tuh keap uss happy like? Makin dinur!"
- Me: "We boahd az hel annin dey wansfer us tew kewks dem fud
- Fat taterfolks"
- (My dad's messing around with the smoke detectors, Kristin [my stepmom] is thanking him for fixing them)
- Me: "Thahnx agenn hunny damnb smoak tectorz
- Foanektical likes"
- (My dad has also been working on cleaning their shower doors)
- Ian: "Fud? Fud? Dam tatertotfolks morlik. Thay shuld bee wntin dirte mirrirs so theys cnts sea dare damneded saggylike asses."
- Me: "Ellohrell fel like um werin nuthn atall
- Oh ellerrell"
- Ian: "Pacololpaco"
- (Ian is petting their dog Monte, who is gritting his teeth)
- Me: "Dat dahgs gutsim sum big teefs"
- (Referring back to the smoke detectors which are now beeping randomly)
- Ian: "Durn smuk duhtecturs makin pa reel sad lime"
- (Monte gets up and moves under a table)
- Me: "Hes agunna pewps ritethur en demdars tabbul
- Sad limes shuggemup"
- Ian: "I fupawedercreampieintadahdingleberry"
- (My dad asks us if we wants pasta or soup with the chicken for dinner)
- Me: "Pahstah er sup wid chikkens
- Shewpderwewp"
- (My dad gets irritated that we don't answer his question; "I'm asking you guys a question!")
- Me: "Ehmaskin yew nigras uh kweschun"
- Ian: "Dang i tried askun im a cuestion and he darned even responds"
- Me: "Yepyep dat mans dun nor nutten bout hwo ta acts"
- (I overhear Kristin saying to Dad that her mother had a dinner party once)
- Me: "Maih mah has her uh dinra pahtee wun tyme"
- Ian: "(-_*)"
- Me: "8============D
- Elorhell a bigguns"
- Ian: "Leme chows uh whater loaks likes" (wut)
- Me: "Buddernutt skwashg"
- (Ian flips off Kristin behind her back because he's awesome like that and enjoys living dangerously. Yes.)
- Me: "elorhril yee givd hur datdur burdee"
- Ian: "Krisnob guttan offed byur sudurns cents"
- Me: "SUDERNSCENTSWITPAWLADEENS"
- Ian: "That is correct"
- Me: "PAWLADEENS LAIKS HERDUH MAYONAZe"
- Ian: "I meen dats corrraxct durnit"
- Me: "Usa taterfolk
- Jon freemangs u gawt hur slo n now ajihm zumbee goast"
- Ian: "No lols fur dat. Datun hurrt mi feeinlhgs"
- (Ian tries to fall asleep on the couch)
- Me: "Its da snuggee"
- Ian: "Goobye"
- Me: "Nigrafolk ander werds wit suchnsooch
- Anchoahveez"
- (Ian says he's bored as Hell and wants to go home as Dad and Kristin bitch like snobs about a guitarist at a Mexican restaurant the night before whose guitar was out of tune)
- Me: "Nowhadyersayyin yup We cud be at hom wanken it awf steada lisnin tew demtaterfolk bichn bawt messican geeturosts
- Avvurl laveens"
- Ian: "I did not, just gun did jizz in mu sMich"
- Me: "Elorhell sammich
- Deys hsuroiejiorejoosgvs Fuck this, I'm so bored I would prefer shitting whole granola bits than listen to their social observations. WAITIN FER THEMS TO BRING UP MISSA BOOSH (Dad and Kristin always talk shit about Bush. I hate him, too, but come on.)
- Ellerehl messikens
- I would like to plow you
- Fapfapfapfap
- Obojobishoyoyoyoyoshojoyooooo"
- Ian: "Right atr dinner we bailin"
- Me: "If I were a dude I'd totally buy a penis pump
- Just be like, YEAAAAHH CHECK DIS SHIT OUT
- -Fourincheselohrel-"
- And there you have it.
